


all through the night

by Trebleclefstories



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: 16x16 AU, Alex never sent the letters, Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Infidelity, Inspired by Grey's Anatomy, Miscarriage, i honestly don't know if this will have a happy ending or not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 10:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30003609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trebleclefstories/pseuds/Trebleclefstories
Summary: “Are you hurt? Are you sick? Are you okay to come back? Because we really need you to come back. Right this instant, actually. It’s important. Like an emergency important."“I can’t deal with whatever kind of crap Mer got herself into this time. The trial was enough, I need a couple months before she calls me for some ‘emergency’ which is just code for a mess that she needs help cleaning up. I don’t have the time.”“Alex, it’s not Meredith. It’s Jo.”
Relationships: Alex Karev & Maggie Pierce, Alex Karev/Izzie Stevens, Alex Karev/Jo Wilson, Meredith Grey & Alex Karev, Meredith Grey & Jo Wilson, Miranda Bailey & Alex Karev, Miranda Bailey & Jo Wilson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	all through the night

**Author's Note:**

> Jo has a miscarriage before 16x16. Alex comes back to try to pick up the pieces.

+++

His phone had been ringing nonstop for the past four days. Sure, he felt bad that he wasn’t answering, but the turmoil he was experiencing at the moment was just too much for him to handle. He didn’t think he could articulate what was going on right then in words that wouldn’t make his actions seem absolutely horrendous, but he also knew that there was no way he’d be able to lie to Jo or Meredith if he did the honorable thing and answered. 

He wasn’t sure why he decided to answer this phone call, maybe it was the guilt that was eating away at him that had him needing to speak to someone, _anyone_ about what was going on. So when Maggie Pierce’s name popped up on his phone screen, he acted on impulse and clicked the green button to answer. 

“Hello?” 

_“Oh thank God, Alex! You’re alive!”_ Maggie’s voice filtered in through the speakers. A shuffling was heard as Maggie presumably turned to speak to whoever was in the room with her. _“Guys, he’s alive.”_ She turned her attention back to the phone. _“We thought you were dead. I didn’t think you’d pick up. You haven’t answered any of Jo or Mer’s calls, I didn’t think you’d answer mine.”_

“I’m not dead,” Alex sighed apologetically. “I’m… I don’t know how I am. But, I just needed some time.” 

_“Are you hurt? Are you sick? Are you okay to come back? Because we really need you to come back. Right this instant, actually. It’s important. Like an emergency important,”_ Maggie rambled. 

“I can’t deal with whatever kind of crap Mer got herself into this time. The trial was enough, I need a couple months before she calls me for some ‘emergency’ which is just code for a mess that she needs help cleaning up,” Alex grumbled, annoyed. “I don’t have the time.” 

_“Alex, it’s not Meredith. It’s Jo.”_

If there were ever any words that could make his blood go cold, it would be those. Immediately, Alex felt his heart race with worry, “What do you mean it’s Jo? Maggie, what the hell happened?” 

_“I… I really shouldn't be the one telling you this,”_ Maggie replied. 

“Is she okay? What happened? Pierce, tell me!” Alex practically shouted into the phone. “Please, Maggie I need you to tell me if my wife is okay.” 

_“She’s definitely not okay. If she were, I wouldn’t be the one calling you to tell you to come home. Meredith would do that. But she’s currently lying next to her hospital bed trying to get her to calm down.”_

“Is she hurt? Did someone hurt her?” Alex put the phone on speaker and went around the room frantically trying to pack his things. 

_“No, no one hurt her. She’s hurting, though. Badly, Alex. One minute we were in the OR together doing a heart-liver transplant together and the next, she was on the floor,”_ Maggie’s voice raised in pitch, signaling her worry. _“Webber and Altman had to come in to finish the procedure while me and Meredith got her out of there. I was so scared, Alex. I thought she died.”_

“Did you find out what was wrong?” Alex zipped up his duffle bag and got out his laptop to look for a direct flight to Seattle. “Did she hit her head on the way down? Is she sick?” 

_“Alex, I really shouldn’t be the one to tell you, especially over the phone,”_ Maggie spoke quietly. _“Just come home.”_

“Pierce, please. Tell me something, anything. You’re scaring the crap out of me. I know something bad happened. I know there is something wrong with Jo. You’d tell me if it weren’t serious, but you’re not telling me so I know that it is,” Alex paused his scrolling through flights to focus on the call and beg Maggie for details. “At least tell me if you think she’s going to recover or not. Please.” 

_“Physically, she’s going to recover. Emotionally? Well, it might take a long time,”_ Maggie shared. _“I’ll call you if anything changes, but please try to get here as quickly as you can.”_

“I just bought a ticket to Seattle. I’ll be there in six hours. Tell her that I’m coming. Tell her she’s not alone,” Alex said before hanging up. 

+++

When he finally arrived in Seattle, Alex practically fought his way into a cab. The hospital was about thirty minutes away from the airport, but with it being rush-hour, he knew it would take about an hour to arrive. The entire cab ride, Alex was fidgeting with anxiety. So much so, that the cab driver kept glancing at him through the rearview mirror and asking if everything was alright. 

The moment they pulled in front of Grey Sloan, Alex jumped out of the backseat, grabbed his bag, mumbled a “thank you,” and shoved an excessive amount of cash in the driver’s hand. Maggie had texted him Jo’s room number, so he hurried up to the room as quickly as possible. He had rounded the corner when Meredith held up a hand in front of him?

“Where the hell have you been?” Meredith hissed at him. “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days and now you answer the phone? Thank God the last few times we called weren’t because of an emergency.” 

“You can yell at me all you want, Mer, but all that matters right now is my wife. Now please, let me in to see Jo,” Alex narrowed his eyes. 

“I can’t do that,” Meredith shook her head. “Not yet.” 

“Why the hell not? She’s my wife, Mer. I may have been an asshole and a shitty husband the past few weeks, but I have a right to be in that room,” Alex yelled angrily. 

“Bailey is in there with her right now, she’s not alone. But I can’t let you in there because she’s being sedated right now and I don’t think you should see that,” Meredith took a deep breath as she saw his anger replaced with worry. She guided Alex over to a nearby set of chairs and sat down. She took a deep breath before speaking gently. “I’m not really sure how to say this without hurting you but… Jo had a miscarriage today.” 

Alex felt his heart drop, “What?”

“She didn’t even know she was pregnant,” Meredith looked down at the floor before her eyes flitted back up to see the disbelief in Alex’s face. “She was in surgery with Maggie when she passed out. She had already started bleeding. There was so much blood, Alex. She came-to on the floor of the OR in a pool of her own blood. By the time we got there to help her, she was already in so much pain. We ran every test, we took an ultrasound and that’s when we realized that there was a little sack without a heartbeat. She’s been bleeding and expelling tissue ever since. She’s been inconsolable since she realized what was happening. She’s crying so hard that her blood pressure keeps rising which is why we had to sedate her.” 

“Oh God,” Alex buried his head in hands as his body racked with sobs. “Jo.” 

Meredith rubbed small circles on his back, “It’s okay, Alex. I know that it doesn’t feel that way right now, but it’s going to be okay.” 

“No, Meredith. You don’t get it. It’s not okay,” Alex shook his head as he looked up, tears spilling from his eyes. “I was cheating on her.” 

“You what?” Meredith stopped the circles she’d been rubbing on his back. 

“I was cheating on her,” Alex repeated, a strangled cry escaping his lips. “I wasn’t in Iowa. I was in Kansas with Izzie and I was cheating on Jo. I was in bed with Izzie while my wife was here, all alone, and miscarrying our baby.” 

Meredith stared at Alex in shock, “You⎼you were with Izzie? As in, your ex-wife that left you with a note, Izzie?”

“I was with Izzie,” Alex nodded, not bothering to wipe the tears streaming down his face. “That’s why I stopped answering your calls. I had sex with her for the first time four days ago and I’ve felt like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I knew I couldn’t answer your calls or messages⎼much less Jo’s⎼without feeling guilty or confessing.” His shoulders slumped in defeat. “I’m such a screw up. I thought I changed, Mer. I thought I was past all the stupid mistakes and sleeping around. You know, before this week, I hadn’t slept with anyone else in almost eight years? Even when we were broken up, I never went out looking for someone else. Because it’s Jo. It’s always been Jo. After her, I’ve never wanted anyone else. And that hasn’t changed, not one bit. She’s still the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. She’s still the woman that I love more than anything in this world. But I’m not the man she deserves. Not anymore. Maybe I never was.” 

For the first time in a long time, Meredith sat there not knowing what to say. Alex’s confession left her truly speechless. She stared at him like she didn’t know who he was; who he’d become. 

Alex couldn’t blame her. He didn’t recognize himself if he was being honest. He’d never felt this horrible in his life, and that was saying something considering all the stupid things he’d done. One of them being him almost going to jail. But this right here may have been the worst thing he'd ever done.

Meredith was about to open her mouth when Bailey came out into the hallway and interrupted, "Alright, she's sleeping now. You can go inside if you'd like."

Alex and Meredith entered the room quietly, taking their places around Jo's hospital bed. Alex sat down in the chair to the left of her beside. There was something so unnatural about seeing Jo like this. Not for the first time, he was reminded of just how small she was. Jo was a strong, powerful, resilient enigma who constantly pushed through whatever was thrown her way. Even when she was receiving treatment for a severe depressive episode, Alex saw daily demonstrations of her strength. But right now, it broke his heart to see her like this. 

Alex hesitated reaching for Jo’s hand. I mean, could you blame him? As much as Alex wanted to comfort her and hold her sleeping frame, he couldn’t shake the guilt and shame he felt.

“Why? Why did you do it?” Meredith asked after a few minutes in silence. “I’m just trying to understand. Why were you with Izzie in the first place?”

“She was one of the people I called for your trial,” Alex looked down at his hands. “I wasn’t going to call her at first. But I really just wanted to know if she was even alive. I had no idea. I wasn’t hoping to get back with her or any of that. But we started talking and it was like no time had passed. It felt like we were interns again, reminiscing about the good old days when Bailey found your panties on the bulletin board and we threw Webber’s niece that prom.” Alex paused as his lips twitched in amusement. “It wasn’t that I missed her or anything like that. But the nostalgia was nice. It was nice to catch up with an old friend. So, we started talking about our lives and I told her I got remarried. She said she was happy for me, but now that I think back, I don’t think she ever was.”

“I still don’t get it though. Why were you in Kansas?” Meredith furrowed her brows. 

“She had my kids, Mer. Remember the embryos we made that I totally forgot about and assumed would never be used? Well, she used them and she never told me,” Alex let out a huff of frustration. “I have two kids. Twins. Eli and Alexis. They’re five years old. Kids I never thought I’d have. Kids which—if I’m being completely honest—that I never wanted to have. When we made those embryos, I didn’t ever think we’d use them. I thought she’d be too dead to ever use them. She had less than a five percent chance of survival. But she used them and I… I didn’t know how to feel. I still don’t know how to feel. To me, those were always just embryos. Even when Izzie and I were married, they were frozen embryos. They were never kids with names and faces. I wasn’t thinking about having kids with Izzie. It was the furthest thing from my mind. But with Jo… a few months into our relationship and I was proposing and dreaming about the life and the kids we were gonna have and how we were gonna be great parents. I’ve never wanted to have kids with anyone who wasn’t her. And now look.” Alex motioned to Jo’s sleeping form. “Jo went through a miscarriage here without me, while I was in Kansas meeting my two kids and sleeping with my ex-wife.”

“I’m a terrible person,” Alex swiped a stray tear. “Like, I knew I was a bad guy, but I didn’t know how bad of a guy I was until now.”

“You’re not a bad guy, Alex. You’re a person who made a bad decision. It doesn’t make you a bad person,” Meredith spoke softly. 

“I was gonna leave,” Alex leaned back in his seat and stared out the window. “I was gonna leave this place and never come back. That’s how horrible I felt for what I did. I was gonna write you all some stupid letters talking about the twins and Kansas so that you’d stop calling. So that you’d stop reminding me of how big of a failure I am. I was gonna spew some crap about how I was still in love with Izzie in my letter to Jo, send divorce papers in the mail, and pray that she didn’t see through the lie, that she’d believe it, and that it would make her hate me enough to move on because she deserves so much better than me. She deserves better than a cheater and a liar. I was gonna say one last lie and hope that it would be enough to help her get over us, so that she could find someone who wouldn’t hurt her the way I just did. I was willing to spend the rest of my life completely miserable, so long as she’d have a chance at a good husband and a family.”

“Are you out of your mind? Alex,” Meredith looked at him as if he were one of her children that needed to be scolded. “Do you really think Jo would ever truly be able to get over you if you did something like that? Do you know how much worse that is than coming back and just telling her the truth—no matter how painful it may be? Jo loves you. Post-it on the wall loves you. You’re her soulmate, you’re her one true love. She will love you until the day you die, and even after that. You don’t throw that away. Especially not over a letter like this is some angsty chick-flick that makes everybody cry. That’s not your story.” Meredith’s eyes watered. “I don’t know what she’s going to decide once you tell her and I will be on her side no matter what decision she makes, but you two are both alive and you love each other. You have the privilege of arguing with one another. That’s something I wish I could do with Derek. Don’t throw it away because you feel guilty—and rightfully so.”

+++

A few hours went by and eventually Meredith had to leave. About forty-five minutes had passed of Alex being alone in Jo’s room when she began to stir. Jumping up to his feet, Alex smoothed down Jo’s hair as she slowly came to. Upon her regaining consciousness, Jo let out a whimper and her eyes filled with sadness at the memory of what had occured. 

Alex placed a hand on her face so that she could look at him, “Hey. Hey, I’m here. You’re okay. It’s okay. I’m here.” 

“Alex,” Jo let out a strangled cry. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry. If I would’ve known, I wouldn’t have gone out drinking like I did a few days ago. I wouldn’t have pushed myself so hard when I wasn’t feeling good. I would’ve been careful, I swear. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry.” 

Alex felt his heart practically split in two, “You have nothing to be sorry for, princess. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault, you hear me? Don’t you dare blame yourself for this.” 

“But I should’ve known. Alex, I should’ve known,” Jo cried. “I’m a doctor. I know the symptoms. I had all of them. I should’ve taken a damn test.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Alex stated firmly. “These things happen and it hurts. It hurts like hell, but they happen and you’re not to blame. I know you would’ve taken the best care of that baby if you knew. Because you have the biggest heart and you love people with everything. I know that, Jo. I know you and I also know that it’s not your fault.” 

Jo nodded tearfully and shifted on the bed to make room for Alex who climbed in next to her. He held her for a few moments until she found her voice again, “I didn’t know how badly I wanted it until it was gone. We had always talked about kids, but I didn’t realize how badly I wanted a baby, _our_ babies, until it was too late and I was bleeding and cramping on the OR floor screaming for someone to help me and find you. I just wanted you and you weren’t there.” 

“I’m here now,” Alex held her tightly and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m here and I won’t leave unless you ask me to.” 

+++

They sat in silence for a long time, both of them shedding tears for the child they’d never get to meet, never get to hold, never get to shower with love. After a while, Jo found her voice again, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Alex shared sincerely. 

“I was worried,” Jo sniffed. “When you wouldn’t answer your phone, I was worried about you. I didn’t know if something horrible had happened to you and if they’d call me to come ID your body. But I think I’d know if you were dead, or almost dead. I’d be able to feel that you’re not with me anymore, as crazy as that sounds.”

“It’s not crazy,” Alex shook his head. “And I’m okay. I’m safe and I’m here. I told you, I won’t leave unless you ask me to. Not for anything, not for anyone. Only if you were to tell me to go.” 

“Where were you, Alex? And be honest with me,” Jo sighed and turned to stare at his face. “Because I know you weren’t in Iowa and if you don’t tell me where you were, then I’m going to assume the worst. I’m going to assume that you were, I don’t know… cheating on me or something.” 

Alex stared at the floor in silence, unable to bring himself to deny her worries. He sat there for a few seconds, a wave of nausea coming over him as Jo tensed in his arms. Jo shrugged his arms off of her shoulders and he felt her tremble slightly. 

“Get out.” 

Alex looked up at her, “Jo.” 

“I’m asking you to leave,” Jo whispered softly, unable to look at him. He didn’t have to say anything. The lack of his response was all she needed to know. “Get out, please.” 

Alex nodded tearfully and stood up from the bed, putting on his shoes and then making his way to the door. He took one more look at Jo, who was sitting on the bed, a hand over her mouth refusing to look at him before he made his way out the room. As soon as the door had shut behind him, Alex heard Jo breakdown into sobs. He felt his heart crumble at the knowledge that he was the reason for her tears. He slid down in front of the door crying at the sound of her pain, wishing that he could take it all away. 


End file.
